Things We Learn in Birth Class III
May 28, 2009

A. Some couples will confuse it with amateur stand-up night at the local bar.

When one rather sweet and sensitive husband asks the RN instructor if there's anything she can tell him that will help relate to his wife's labor pain, it's not really *that* hilarious to pipe up with: "It's like the worst menstrual cramps in THE WORLD." Because labor pains he can't relate to, but menstrual cramps? He totally knows what those feel like. And then when you go on and say, "It's like when someone? Takes a sledgehammer? And slams it into your gut."

It's also not helpful? Like? At all? Seriously. Give the poor man some context he can actually work with instead of sounding like a Cosmo cover. "10 Easy Ways to cure those sledgehammer cramps!"

The poor guy just sat back in his chair all slumpy-defeated, and his pregnant wife patted his hand, all, "Good effort, honey."

B. You get a intimate look at other people's relationships, and it's not always pretty.

I know you think your fiancÚ is the funniest thing on earth with his eye-rolling and sighs throughout class that tells everyone around that he's just Too Cool to find a birth class, of all things, interesting.

But when the instructor asks around for volunteers to bring next week's snack, having a slouching, Castro-hat-wearing fiancÚ, who offers languidly to whoever is volunteering (because he sure as hell isn't), "I like Oreos," after telling the entire class he's more worried about what watching the birth might do to his sex drive than anything else, well, I just feel sorry for you and your unborn kid.

Also, calling forceps "salad tongs"? Very 1983 Bill Cosby. Get some new material.

Previously:
Things We Learn in Birth Class
Things We Learn in Birth Class II
Things We Learn in Infant Safety Class

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