Pregnant Women Don't Waddle Because We're Fat

January 22, 2012

We waddle because ingesting a single sip of water transforms our bladder into the Hoover Dam in a matter of seconds.

We waddle because hemorrhoids are no longer just a commercial or a word whose proper spelling we need to look up.

We waddle because our ankles could be mistaken for the plastic water jugs stored in an earthquake kit.

We waddle because spending more than 30 seconds in one position twists every ligament and muscle in our entire body into a Gordian knot.

We waddle because just the act of putting on a pair of oh-so-seriously-comfy and recently-cleaned/reshaped maternity jeans bags them out into recently-cleaned and completely stretched-out clown pants.

We waddle because the head of a 6-10-pound baby is always pressing down on our pelvic bones, deliberately, constantly, persistently separating them like the slowest wishbone pull ever.

We waddle because proceeding at a faster speed will probably make us car sick.

We waddle because any other stride would tip us over.

Fine. We're also fat.