Butterfinger vs. Clark Bar. I know I keep saying that I went through stages in my life where I was obsessed with one candy bar over the other, but it's again true for Butterfinger. (I really should just shut up and do a Candy Bar timeline for my life once and for all. Could prove quite enlightening, especially since I got obsessed with Whatchamacallits in college. Analyze THAT!) Right. So, Clark Bars are totally meh in light of the Agent Orange center of Butterfingers. Also, I love how the layers of Butterfinger crunch apart in flakey layers, just the way only the best made pie crusts -- the ones with lard -- do. I love that I need to wear a catch-all bib when eating one, so that when the millions of tiny piece cascade down with every bite, I won't miss a smudge of chocolate or a bit of flake. Sigh. Butterfinger will win. Just because I said so.
Cadbury Creme Eggs vs. Hershey's Almond. When I first became aware of Cadbury Creme Eggs, I remember thinking there was no way they could be as revolting as they looked on those awesome -- and still running -- Easter commercials. I may have just been a kid, but I was a picky kid and I hated eggs, so I wondered who in their right mind would want to eat a candy that looked like a raw egg with all its stuff spilling out. (Hey, kids are susceptible. The whole "ants on a log" snacktastrophe may actually be why I hate raisins to this day.) Anyway, I finally tried a CCE (because my older sister made me), and I didn't like it. It was just a bunch of oozy, sugary nothingness. HOWEVER, my opinions aside, I do think the creepy Creme Eggs will beat out Hershey's Almond, mainly because I know people prize Cadbury chocolate above Hershey's.
Baby Ruth vs. After Eights. I was OBSESSED with Baby Ruth as a kid. However, since I only ever got it as a snack size -- which, by the way, used to be MUCH LARGER than these stupid one-bite things they put out today -- around Halloween, the idea of it being a contender for the Caddyshack Doodie Bar didn't occur to me until many years (and many watchings) later. My obsession with After Eights started when I lived in England and going to fancy dinners at Trinity College in Cambridge. The fancy dinners started with sherry in the Old Combination Rooms. Then, we proceeded into Hall and had wine throughout. Finally, we ended with port, coffee, and After Eights back in the Old Combination Rooms. It was SO schmancy and SO British that we of COURSE had to replicate the port-After Eights ritual back in the States. In fact, we can't even buy After Eights unless we have port in the house. (Also, I fell in love with the Evil Dr. Mathra over port and After Eights, so there's that.) But enough about me, what are you guys going to do? I think Baby Ruths are marginalized along with Oh Henry! and that people who love mint reeeeally love mint. After Eights in a squeaker.
But still (hew):
Almond Joy vs. fudge. My love for coconut would definitely win out in this fight, but I'm not the only judge here. I think I overestimated the coconut haters in the last round, so while fudge is fine -- especially when you're on vacation with your parents in Traverse City, Michigan and the sole sweets you can get your hands on is special fudge that is only acquired after a loooooong, older-sister-poking-me-in-the-backseat day trip in a woody station wagon to Leelanau or Charlevoix -- I think Almond Joy will win. (Meanwhile, Murdick's Fudge is the only time I will willingly put anything maple-flavored into my mouth [Hew.] because their maple nut? Heaven.)
Reese's Peanut Butter Cup vs. Junior Mints. This will be insane. I might be wrong, but I predict a run-off will be necessary here, since both are crowd favorites. Junior Mints are great, but outside of a movie theatre, they are not a go-to candy for me. Reese's PBCs (aren't those the little pellets they put in Beanie Babies?) are NOT something I'd choose to eat in the movie theatre. They're hard to deal with in the dark, potentially melty-messy, and their wrappers make far too much noise for polite viewing company. However, I don't actually go to movies all that often, so I'm more likely to eat far more Reese's in my lifetime. There: I've argued it for me. I'd vote for Reese's, and I think it will win in the end.
See's/Whitman's Sampler vs. Kinder. This is a weird one, and I honestly have no idea which way it will go. However, judging by the comments following the last See's/Whitman's match-up, one of the sampler brands has a very loud and loyal following. (Whitman's, right? You all love, love, LOVE Whitman's and would do anything for it?) (Heh.) Based on that part of the voting public, I'm going to throw in with See's/Whitman's. I think Kinder is beloved, but I don't recall seeing anyone really getting their dander up about it.
York Peppermint Patties vs. Peanut M&Ms. I feel like this is the Reese's PBC/Junior Mints battle in miniature for some reason. This is another match-up I have a hard time calling. What it comes down to for me is that you can't eat a York PP the way I like to eat Peanut M&Ms. I suck off all the candy coating until you're left with a very thin, slightly rough layer of shell that needs only the slightest tooth bump to give way to a tongue-ful ["hew!" -- Bunting] of chocolate and then the peanut. Getting to the peanut would seem like a letdown after all that, but it really isn't, because you finally get to chew through something after all that passive mouth-dissolving. While I do really like York's, I don't get as much fun out of eating them. What the hell, I'll call this for Peanut M&Ms.
Whatchamacallit vs. Snickers. NOOOOOOOOOO! Oh, this is just sad. There is no way my Whatchamacallit is going to outlast Snickers. And, for the record, I do love Snickers, too. It's my go-to candy bar when I don't know what I'm craving, but I know it needs to have chocolate and nuts and be satisfyingly bite-able. Like, peanut M&Ms have chocolate and nuts, but you crunch through those on your back teeth. I have these cravings where my front teeth need to sink into something firm but yielding. (I know I'm weird, you don't have to look at me like that.) (By the way: "firm but yielding" is what you should look for when choosing an avocado. Just FYI.) Anyway, Snickers will take this, and I will play Taps to a Whatchamacallit before I scarf it down.